Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Our New Valet

D apparently has decided he is destined for the service industry and is hard at work on carving out a niche market for himself. Namely, he sees a big future in becoming a Bathroom Valet. Lest you think this is merely some fancy name for the person who, in very fancy restaurants, hands you towels when you are finished washing your hands, let me correct you: not so. The responsibilities of this position go far beyond the conveyance of hand-drying textiles. As best I can surmise, his job description for this position would look something like this:

1. When a person in your presence casually mentions that they have to go to the bathroom, announce clearly your intent to go with them. We call this process Engaging a Client. To fully prepare yourself, you may also inquire as to which substances ("PEE PEE? POOP?") that person plans on depositing during this particular bathroom trip.

2. On your way to the bathroom, close and lock all doors with as much enthusiasm as you can muster. Clients like their privacy.

3. Once you get to the bathroom, be sure to rush past the client and lift the lid of the toilet. Once again, you will want to carefully explain every action you are taking ("I LIFT THE LID ONNA POTTY!") so that your client does not become confused.

4. When the client sits to transact his or her business, sit on the small bench (I was going to say stool, ha ha) provided for you and gaze intently at your client so that he or she knows you are fully committed to the waste expunging process. You are encouraged to make descriptive comments about this process, including--but not limited to--attempts to recreate any sound effects that occur. Most clients find such a rapport both charming and compelling.

5. Occasionally, your female clients may need to procure feminine hygiene products. Know where they are kept and their technical names, and repeat them loudly ("TAM-PAAAHN") to ensure you have selected the proper product. Also, do not be afraid to model how these products are to be used, at least in front of female clients. Often such a "refresher course" is appreciated. However, you will want to avoid any mention of feminine hygiene products in front of male clientele. They do not appreciate the depth and breadth of your knowledge.

6. When your client has finished her or his transaction, reach behind him or her for the toilet paper roll and hand it over with a flourish.

7. When flushing, which is your primary responsibility, hold the handle down as long as possible. This is not overkill. It is called Being Thorough.

8. When your client is washing her/his hands, narrate the process, repeating the most important steps loudly ("Washa haaaands! WASHA HANDS!") to ensure that your client knows you are paying attention to procedural detail. The fact that any listeners/bystanders will likely think that your client simply doesn't usually DO these things and thus needs extra reminders? That's merely a bonus.

So there you have it. Fortunately, he hasn't installed a tip jar on the back of the commode, but I fear that's not far off.