Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Grown-up questions

So in our frenzy to getamortgagefindahousebuyahousemoveallourcrap2000miles, I have started asking myself some Big Questions. To be fair, I asked myself some Big Questions when I found out I was pregnant, but I was awfully busy marathon-napping, throwing back saltines and fries and hating myself for not following the What To Expect Pregnancy Bible to focus all that much brain power on them. But now that the Baby is a Toddler, and Daddymatic is getting a Real Job and we are embarking on a move that someone else is at least partially paying for (which means not renting, packing and driving our own truck for once), the Questions will not rest.

They cluster around a theme, which is to say they all start with the words “Would a Real Grown Up do X?”

If I may?

Would a Real Grown Up seriously consider just throwing most of her stuff away so she won’t have to worry about packing it up?

Would a Real Grown Up allow her child to suck on fresh diaper wipes just so changing his diaper is easier than, say, branding him with a small tattoo of her initials, thus saving her priceless energy which might then be spent perusing homes on the internet she no doubt cannot afford?

Would a Real Grown Up put her hand over the phone and mock the moving company representative to her toddler while the representative explains in detail why it’s simply NOT possible to guarantee my stuff will get to Utah in less than 3 WEEKS?

Would a Real Grown Up not only fob the mortgage guy’s call off to the answering machine but also refuse to play the message so she can pretend she never got it?

Would a Real Grown Up allow her child to eat half a dozen graham crackers just so she can talk to the nice lady from Daddy’s new department about child care options?

Would a Real Grown Up actually cry at the new Century 21 commercial—you know, the one with the kids who are 3 and 1 and the husband gives in and goes for the house while the realtor cheers from the speakerphone?

So what are your “Would a Real Grown Up” questions? Lay 'em on me. Tell me I'm not the only one.