Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Our New Valet

D apparently has decided he is destined for the service industry and is hard at work on carving out a niche market for himself. Namely, he sees a big future in becoming a Bathroom Valet. Lest you think this is merely some fancy name for the person who, in very fancy restaurants, hands you towels when you are finished washing your hands, let me correct you: not so. The responsibilities of this position go far beyond the conveyance of hand-drying textiles. As best I can surmise, his job description for this position would look something like this:

1. When a person in your presence casually mentions that they have to go to the bathroom, announce clearly your intent to go with them. We call this process Engaging a Client. To fully prepare yourself, you may also inquire as to which substances ("PEE PEE? POOP?") that person plans on depositing during this particular bathroom trip.

2. On your way to the bathroom, close and lock all doors with as much enthusiasm as you can muster. Clients like their privacy.

3. Once you get to the bathroom, be sure to rush past the client and lift the lid of the toilet. Once again, you will want to carefully explain every action you are taking ("I LIFT THE LID ONNA POTTY!") so that your client does not become confused.

4. When the client sits to transact his or her business, sit on the small bench (I was going to say stool, ha ha) provided for you and gaze intently at your client so that he or she knows you are fully committed to the waste expunging process. You are encouraged to make descriptive comments about this process, including--but not limited to--attempts to recreate any sound effects that occur. Most clients find such a rapport both charming and compelling.

5. Occasionally, your female clients may need to procure feminine hygiene products. Know where they are kept and their technical names, and repeat them loudly ("TAM-PAAAHN") to ensure you have selected the proper product. Also, do not be afraid to model how these products are to be used, at least in front of female clients. Often such a "refresher course" is appreciated. However, you will want to avoid any mention of feminine hygiene products in front of male clientele. They do not appreciate the depth and breadth of your knowledge.

6. When your client has finished her or his transaction, reach behind him or her for the toilet paper roll and hand it over with a flourish.

7. When flushing, which is your primary responsibility, hold the handle down as long as possible. This is not overkill. It is called Being Thorough.

8. When your client is washing her/his hands, narrate the process, repeating the most important steps loudly ("Washa haaaands! WASHA HANDS!") to ensure that your client knows you are paying attention to procedural detail. The fact that any listeners/bystanders will likely think that your client simply doesn't usually DO these things and thus needs extra reminders? That's merely a bonus.

So there you have it. Fortunately, he hasn't installed a tip jar on the back of the commode, but I fear that's not far off.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

What happens in Vegas...

Oh, yeah. I've been in Vegas. Vegas, baby! A city so storied it caused Daddymatic to leave me a note of things to do that included items such as

1. Double down on an 11 and
2. If you can't be good, at least take pictures.

It was hard-hard-hard being away from my peeps for a week, especially since the One True Child refused, for the first time in six months, to take a nap. This of course was mere hours after I left. Apparently he had forgotten that the last time he pulled this stunt we explained with exaggerated patience that two hours of midday toddler rest time is a mandatory stipulation of his continuing to stay with us. However, the boy rallied later in the day as he and Daddymatic rode the train and conversed with the tweakers my husband seems to attract in the same way that I attracted unwashed slacker dickhead boyfriends during my college years.

Then of course he was ailing and coughy and weepy for a day or two, during which time the confining guilt actually squeezed all air from my lungs and left me gasping after every single conversation with Daddymatic and his small person companion.

But dude, as soon as I hung up, I got to go shopping, meet up with old friends whom I introduced to new friends (what happens when a japanese-hawaiian mormon chick meets up with a formerly catholic lesbian jew? hilarity ensues!), get a mani-pedi, rock the old-school casinos that apparently only elderly hawaiian people frequent, and find out exactly how much sushi one can consume when it's an all-you-can-eat buffet. So there was that.

And the people in my training group were startling in their similarity to, say, the entire cast of Best In Show. Seriously. My coworker friend and I spent most of the first day casting celebrities to play these people. There's the flamboyantly gay guy in bright clothing, his middle-aged female friend with teenaged children who went nuts at the local male revue, the second grade teacher who wore skirts so short I was sure she had to work a bikini wax to wear, and the loud older woman who missed no opportunity to point out the ways the curriculum we were learning was sure to be inappropriate for the Navajo children she teaches at the rez. I am not even making this up. It was more fun that should be allowed, even in Vegas.

But then I came home again, and got to watch D say "pinkle pinkle" as he sprinkled sugar on his oatmeal in the morning, and hear him say, for the first umprompted time, "I love you, mama," and I thought "Meh. What's Vegas got on da SLC?"

So thanks to those of you who were checking to see where I was and a BIG SHOUT OUT and "mwah" to Mo-wo for nominating this post for a ROFL award. I'm blushing, babe, especially since you always make ME ROFL. High praise from the Motherwoman herself. The pressure's on now!